The Alchemy of Sex & Intimacy in Long-Term Relationships
With Niyati Evers & Robert King
With Niyati Evers & Robert King
PART 1: THE LANGUAGE OF EROS & CONNECTION
In Part 1 we focus on getting to know your erotic landscape and developing a more conscious relationship with your sexuality. The more grounded we are in our self-awareness around our own sexuality, the more we can shape our erotic experiences. Part 1 also looks at some of the typical challenges and dynamics that come up around sexuality in long-term relationships and how to develop intimacy by connecting in an authentic way. Lastly, we look at erotic practices and how to communicate in ways that are welcoming and encouraging of explorations in the realm of sexuality and intimacy.
Becoming grounded in your own eroticism by developing a conscious relationship with your sexuality
Getting to know your ‘Erotic Forcefield’
Deepening your ability to access and ‘own’ your Erotic Potential and shape your sexual experiences
WEEK 1: EXERCISE
ENLISTING AN EROTIC ALLY
(If you picked a poem, a painting or a piece of music – let yourself be transported into the state the music/painting/poem inspires in you and do steps a-f from that state)
WEEK 1: NOTES
CHANNELS: EXAMPLES IN CONTEXT OF SEXUALITY & INTIMACY
Visual – looking and looking away, being seen, making eye contact during sex, showing yourself, dancing or stripping or performing for the other person or turning the lights off, finding ways to not see or be seen
Auditory – making sounds, including ‘more animalistic sounds like growling or howling, feeling free/not so free to let whatever sounds move through you, being loud or soft, the tone of your voice, asking for what you want, setting boundaries, bringing your voice in (or not)
Movement – touching and receiving touch including how present (or not) you can be in your touching and in receiving touch, grabbing, taking, reaching for, rolling around, dancing, allowing your body to move as it wants to move (or not), initiating (or not), pace (slow/fast) and rhythms
Proprioception – feelings and sensations, moods, feeling aroused (or not), resting inside yourself (e.g. meditative/essence space)
Relationship – communication (both intended and unintended), all the signals/double signals that communicate a dynamic between two people, how you make contact, (hidden) conflicts, bringing something into relationship
World – synchronicities, unexpected events that happen in context of sexual experiences
STUFF TO PLAY WITH
Which channels are more familiar/comfortable for you in the context of sex and intimacy and which are less familiar/comfortable?
Which channel(s) are you curious to explore more?
If it feels right: do small experiments with new channels or with combining channels
Understanding the Interconnectedness between your relationship patterns and your sexuality
Developing your ability to recognize and work with stuck moments around sexuality and intimacy
Deepening your potential for intimacy and connection
WEEK 2: EXERCISES
UNFOLDING A DISTURBING EXPERIENCE AROUND SEXUALITY
INNER WORK EROTIC & INTIMACY EDGES IN THE VARIOUS CHANNELS
Aim: Getting to know & explore your edges in relationship, intimacy and sexuality.
With each question, focus on the context of your sexuality and intimacy.
WEEK 2: NOTES
Creating an Erotic Container
Creating a welcoming environment for the Erotic
Developing the Art of Erotic Communication – Skills & Meta-Skills
Deepening your experiences around sexuality and intimacy by creating Erotic Practices and Rituals
WEEK 3: EXERCISES
DEEPENING OUR POTENTIAL FOR INTIMACY & SEXUALITY
BY EXPLORING SIGNALS & EDGES
In this activity we will focus on:
WEEK 3: NOTES
NOTICING PROCESS: TRACKING SIGNALS & DOUBLE SIGNALS
The word “Process” refers to the flow of information within a person and between people through both overt (visible, congruent) and covert (hidden, incongruent, subtle) signals.
One of the key skills in Process Work is the ability to be aware of signals in yourself and in the other. Signals aren’t right or wrong – they are the beginnings of an underlying process. Your ability to track signals will serve you in helping to deepen processes – in yourself and in your relationships with others. In Process Work, we don’t have fixed interpretations about signals (e.g. ‘folded arms means you are holding back’ or ‘closed eyes means you are bored or disinterested’) but instead we want to focus on the signal and discover ‘its world’ by paying attention to our inner experiences that lie behind the signal.
We usually run over our signals and focus on the content of the conversation. Becoming aware of signals and discovering their meaning requires that we ‘slow down’ and expand our awareness to not only focus on the verbal content but on our non-verbal signals and inner experience as well as the ‘spoken words’.
We often have a tendency to change our signals when they are pointed out to us because we think there is something ‘wrong’ with them. E.g. if you say you’re feeling relaxed and you notice you are clenching your fist or someone says ‘hey, I see you clench your fist’ the first impulse is often to ‘unclench’. Instead, see if you can allow for the ‘clenched fist’ and track the underlying feeling, mood or state of mind it represents.
Incongruent signals are signals that don’t go along with the spoken content. They are sometimes also called double signals. An example of this could be saying ‘I love you’ while looking away. Unintended signals are signals that our bodies make ‘automatically’ or without us noticing. We’re usually not aware of unintended or double signals. Unintended and double signals carry information about the deeper layers of a process and are often key to its solution or further unfolding (i.e. becoming unstuck).
In the example of ‘looking away’ – in this particular instance, the person felt they had to be related and focused on the other all the time. She was marginalizing her need to ‘look away’, i.e. to create space for herself and not be always be so focused on others’ needs. Her hidden need was to be more ‘separate’, which was key to resolving her relationship troubles.